2016 Reviewed in Song

I listen to Spotify a lot. We have Spotify premium and it’s how I listen to music most of the time. Sometime in December, Spotify put together a playlist of the songs I listened to the most often in 2016. As I listened to the playlist, I found it to be very revealing of how the year was for me emotionally and spiritually. I have never been very good at expressing myself through words. I would go as far as to say that verbal communication is a weakness of mine. But music has always been a way for me to release emotions. I can relate to the emotion or a feeling in a song, and it’s like, yes! That’s it! That feeling is what I’m feeling! So this playlist of songs I listened to over and over again in 2016 is like a story of my feelings.

The number one song: The Nearness of You by Loud Harp.

2016 was a stressful year. I was new to a nursing job that I found to be very difficult. It was demanding in many ways. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Joe started a new job that also proved to be very stressful. His job had him on the road and away from me for much of the year.

Joe’s dad, Ken, was fighting a return of cancer and the prognosis did not sound very good.

I was grieving for things past. Past friendships and activities that had to end because of distance.

There were so many things that demanded my attention, that caused me to worry and stress and fear. This song was like a soothing balm to my frightened soul.

Surely you are good, but my heart ran away. Surely you are good, but I was swept away.

You  brought me back to this place. Gave me water, gave me dreams.

Night shift is so hard! My patients are so ungrateful!

Surely you are good, but my heart ran away

Joe is never home! I am so lonely!

Surely you are good, but I was swept away

Joe is heartbroken and grieving and frightened for his dad! I want to fix this for him!

My heart, my flesh may fail. Who have I but you?

You have been my strength, my refuge. Who have I but you?

It’s so easy to forget God’s promises and doubt his goodness when life’s worries become the focus of my attention. When I stop and think about all of God’s goodness, all of the things He’s blessed me with, it’s like taking a deep calming breath and feeling the sunshine during a cold winter day.

The nearness of you, is my only good.

There is no one else. Who have I but you?

The number 2 song: It is Well by Kristene Dimarco

I kept coming back to this song. What a powerful statement. It is well. It is well with my soul. The stresses of my job are well with my soul. My loneliness from Joe being gone so much is well with my soul. Ken’s cancer is well with my soul. The end of some close friendships are well with my soul. It’s not easy to say those things with conviction. However, when I think about the man who wrote this song originally, and all that he lost, I am truly humbled and even ashamed sometimes of the things that I complain and worry about. Horatio Spafford lost his son to scarlet fever. He lost much in the Chicago fire. His four daughters drowned in a shipwreck.

If he could write the words to this song by God’s grace, surely God grants me the same grace to declare these three words over my life. It is well. I trust you Father. I trust you through the pain and the fear.

Grander earth has quaked before, Moved by the sound of his voice. Seas that are shaken and stirred can be calmed and broken for my regard. And through it all, through it all my eyes are on you. And through it all, through it all it is well with me.

This mountain that’s in front of me will be thrown into the midst of the sea.

Through it all my eyes are on you. And through it all, through it all it is well.

So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.

Let go, my soul, and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name. (from Kristene Dimarco’s song)

The number 3 song: You’re the Only One by Chris Renzema

2016 was not just a stressful year for me, but for our country. Heartbroken is the best word I can come up with to summarize how I feel about the election and all that surrounded it. Heartbroken at how divided we are. Heartbroken over how people can be so hateful and say and do such horrific things to each other. Heartbroken over all the lies and fear. Politics bring out the ugly in us like nothing else can. It’s easy to see only the evil and forget God’s goodness and faithfulness when my news feed is full of so much darkness. This song brought me to tears on several occasions as it reminded me of some important truths:

Though the earth may try to satisfy my heart, Though the earth may try to tell me You’re not faithful, Though the earth may try to blind me from your goodness, you shine through.

You’re the only one who fills me up

It’s not having right views on politics, not being behind the right candidate that fills me up

Oh You’re the only one who fills me up

It’s not making my argument heard, not winning an argument

You’re the only one

When people tear each other down and laugh and mock and hate

You shine through

When fear for the future surrounds me

You shine through

When friends and family become enemies

You shine through

When violence becomes an answer for some

You shine through

I don’t know what will happen in the next 4 years or the next 8 or the next 50 years, but I do know that my confidence is not in man. My confidence is in Jesus Christ who has already won the battle against evil. And I choose to follow and obey Him in love.

On a lighter note, I want to mention that the number 4 song was a country song. Joe would be quite proud to know that he has converted me into a country fan :)

Late night reflections

Third shift problems. Sometimes you can sleep. Sometimes you can't. I worked 5 of the last 6 nights. Tonight is my first night off, and even though I only slept 3 hours this morning, my body won't let me sleep through the night. Instead, I woke up after about 2 hours and started thinking about my mom. I'm feeling rather emotional actually. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. I hope you don't mind a sappy post, because I want to reflect on some things my mom taught me.

Growing up, my mom always encouraged my sisters and me to form our own opinions, and to think about what we believe and why. I have clear memories of asking my Mom questions, sometimes deep stuff, and her quiet, thoughtful response would often be, "What do you think, Heidi?" From Santa Claus' existence to things like, can women be pastors, she didn't tell me what to think. She would let us know what she believed, but she wanted us to first think about it for ourselves.

My mom was always so attentive and tuned in to my emotions. She could read me like a book. And I have never been one to wear emotions on my sleeve. I was a very shy, quiet, home body girl growing up (still am actually), but she could tell when something was up, sometimes before I even knew what was really bothering me.

She loved (just using past tense here because I'm reflecting on childhood, or things in the past) my sisters and me deeply. I know that sounds like a given for a mom, right? But never under value the gift of truly knowing that you are loved. How many broken lives are there because of broken relationships between a parent and their child. I have a lot of memories of talking with my mom one on one in the car. I think I felt more comfortable opening up when I was in the safety of being with just her. Between all the sports games, practices, music lessons and concerts, she drove me around a lot. My freshmen year of high school was kind of rough socially. I felt left out by the others girls in my class, and was feeling particularly lonely one night. We were almost home when I started crying. She changed our route to go for a longer drive so I could tell her what was going on. I remember she seemed so sad. She was heartbroken for me. Hear broken to see her daughter hurting. It was so good to know that she cared. Her responses were never "Oh you'll be fine. Don't worry about it." When someone is upset, you don't have to solve their problems. Sometimes you just need to be present and let them know you care. A great lesson I learned from Mom.

My mom always supported us fully in our interests and passions. I felt like I could do and be anything I wanted to because she didn't discourage our dreams. Of course my dreams were never crazy unrealistic stuff, but again... don't under value the gift of feeling loved and supported in your dreams and aspirations.
My parents let me leave the country on a few occasions. Once in high school with just one other girl my age to go on a mission trip to Mexico. We met up with people there of course. Another time in college, God led me to go on a medical trip to Costa Rica. This was independent of school or church or anyone I knew at all. I knew she was a little scared and worried, but she (and my dad- can't leave him out) didn't deny me those amazing opportunities. I was so blessed by those trips, and I'm so grateful I went.

Most importantly, she taught me through example to love Jesus. Ever since I can remember, my mom has had morning devotions. I could tell how she treasured that time. Her actions reflect God's commands for us: to love Him and to love others. My mom is one of the most selfless people I know.

Happy Mother's Day (a little late), Mom! Love you

Birthday Cake Monster Cookie Sandwiches

I'm on a cake batter kick. I had THE BEST cake batter ice cream from Hudsonville Ice Cream. It has pieces of yellow cake and real butter cream frosting in it. They serve it at the cafeteria in the children's hospital. It's probably a good thing that I work at night when it's closed. Otherwise I would go there for my lunch break everyday and get some. The two hospitals are connected, so I definitely did that when I was still on day shift for orientation.

So there's ice cream. And you all know how much I love cupcakes and cookies. Then I found this recipe for birthday cake monster cookie sandwiches... It's soooo good! It's kind of similar to the monster cookie recipe I posted recently, but some of the oatmeal is replaced with yellow cake mix, giving the cookie that cake batter flavor. Add some sprinkles, frosting, and m&ms and you've got a birthday cake in a cookie. Isn't that fun?

Want to know what's not so fun? Joe's gone this week and next week for work :'( I'm trying to be thankful because it's a great job, but I really miss him. Who will help me eat all the cookies? It especially stinks because I work this coming weekend when he'll be home. So I'll be sleeping and working when he's actually here. Boooo.

Last weekend we went to visit Joe's family in the thumb of Michigan. While visiting with his grandparents, Grandpa said something like, "yeah these are tough days" but you'll get through it and it's worth it (is what he was saying by that). Grandpa used to work 12-16 hour days plus farm work before and after his shift. So I guess he knows the struggle. He and Grandma are the cutest thing. I love visiting with them and seeing them interact. I'm kind of looking forward to the days when Joe and I are grandparents, encouraging our grandkids and watching them grow.

But these cookies.. I cut the recipe in half and it made about 16 sandwiches I think. I also kept the cookies in the fridge and they stayed delicious for a week. Here's the full recipe:

The Goods:
1 C unsalted butter at room temp
1 C sugar
3/4 C brown sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla extract
2 tsp butter extract
1 1/2 C flour
1 C dry yellow cake mix
1 C quick oats
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 C chocolate chips
1 C M&Ms (any kind you like, I used milk chocolate)
3/4 C sprinkles (I used less)

frosting:
1 C unsalted butter at room temp
4 C powdered sugar
2 tsp vanilla
2 tbsp heavy cream (or milk but cream is better)
additional sprinkles

Preheat the oven to 350. Combine butter with both sugars. Beat until smooth and creamy. Add eggs and extracts and beat until combined. In a separate bowl, combine flour, cake mix, oats, salt, baking soda. Slowly add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, beating until combined. Stir in chocolate chips, M&Ms and sprinkles. Spoon dough onto a greased cookie sheet. Try to keep cookies the same size. You could use something like a 2 tablespoon measure. I made my cookies a little smaller than that. Bake for about 12 minutes. Cool completely.
For the frosting: Beat the butter for a few minutes until it's light and fluffy. Slowly add powdered sugar, vanilla and cream. Beat until smooth. You can add more sugar if it's too thin or more cream if it's too thick.
I have a frosting decorator from Wilton, but you can use a zip-lock bag too with the corner cut off to decorate the cookies. Pipe the frosting around the edge of one cookie and over the whole cookie. Top with another cookie and lightly push down. You can roll the frosting in more sprinkles if you want.

Go to chocolate chip cookies and a little adventure

Chocolate chip cookies may seem boring to the dessert enthusiast. But let's face it, everyone loves a good chocolate chip cookie. It's a staple. A favorite. Comfort food. I dare say, it's a necessity for every household to have a go to chocolate chip cookie recipe. So I would like to share mine. These have turned out every time. There's a surprise ingredient that makes this recipe stand out among all the others. Pudding mix! French vanilla pudding mix to be exact. If you've never had pudding cookies, you really should try this recipe. It ups the vanilla taste and it helps give the cookie a softer texture.

I like a softer, chewier cookie. So sorry to those of you who like 'em more crunchy. But if you really want, you can replace the shortening with more butter. I use a half and half mix of butter and shortening to get the perfect cookie texture (I think). The more butter you use, the more crunchy the cookie will be. The more shortening you use, the softer it will be.

I probably make these cookies once a month. They never disappoint :) Before I share the recipe, I want to share a few photos from a walk I took last week.

I love living near the Great Lakes. They offer so much beauty. Beauty that changes every day. I can't wait for summer when we can spend more time at the beach! These pictures were taken at Rosy Mound Natural Area. The Michigan side of Lake Michigan is unique for it's sand dunes. This park has educational signs to teach you all about the dunes if you like that kind of thing. Check it out sometime!

Anyway, here's the recipe

Chocolate chip cookies

2 1/4 C all-purpose flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 C butter, 1/2 C shortening

1/4 C sugar

3/4 C packed light brown sugar

1 pkg (4 serving size) Jell-O instant pudding an pie filling- french vanilla

1 tsp vanilla

2 eggs

2 C chocolate chips

Mix flour with baking soda and set aside. Combine butter, the sugars, pudding mix and vanilla in large bowl; beat until smooth and creamy. Beat in eggs. Gradually add flour mixture, then stir in chocolate chips. (Batter will be stiff) Drop by spoonful onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake at 300 for 16-20 minutes. 

Welcome Home Monster Cookies

Joe started a new job about a month ago. It seems like a great company and it's a great experience for him. So overall, we are very excited. Unfortunately, the job involves a lot of traveling. He was gone for almost 3 weeks in a row, but came home on the weekends. Because I work every other weekend, we didn't get to see each other very much :'(

There are some benefits I guess. Being apart has given me a good reminder of how much he means to me. I REALLY miss him when he's gone. I like to think I appreciate him all the time, but I'm not perfect. When we're apart, we have to be very intentional and even do some planning to let the other person know we love them and are thinking about them. Joe hides little reminders around the apartment before he leaves that I find throughout the week. I write him notes and bake things for him. It takes me back to when we were dating long distance. Here's my bit on long distance relationships: They suck. But... it made us be good communicators. When we couldn't see each other, we had to make an effort to communicate. We had some great phone conversations and even emails. Writing is great communication for me because I often need extra time to think about what I want to say. I struggle to put my thoughts into words in a face to face conversation. Anyone else like that?

Also, when we got married, we became one. Ephesians 5:31 says, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." When we're apart, I feel like a part of me is gone. I'm incomplete without him. Sorry, this is getting a little sappy for a baking blog. I can't help myself sometimes!

Anyways, to celebrate his homecoming, I made some monster cookies. I'm not sure why they're called monster cookies, but I love 'em! Peanut butter, oatmeal, chocolate... If it weren't for the sugar, it would be almost healthy! I made a second batch a couple days later and tried them with shortening instead of butter. They looked nice because they kept their shape better (didn't flatten as much) but I much preferred the butter version taste to the shortening version. Just fyi.

My handsome man

The goods:

1 1/2 C peanut butter
1 C packed light brown sugar
1 C white sugar
1/2 C unsalted butter
3 eggs
1 Tbs vanilla
4 1/2 C quick cooking oats
2 tsp baking soda
1 C chocolate chips (I used semi sweet, but milk or dark would be good too)
1 C M&Ms (I used milk, but trying different flavors would be fun)

Directions:

Beat the peanut butter, butter and sugars together in your stand mixer until smooth and creamy. Beat in the eggs and vanilla. Combine the oats and baking soda in another bowl and then add to the wet ingredients. Beat until combined. Add the chocolate and M&Ms and hand mix until combined. Drop by spoonful onto greased baking sheets and bake at 350 for 10-12 min. Makes about 4 dozen small/medium cookies. I usually half the recipe for just Joe and me.

Pie for Pi Day

Happy Pi Day everyone! So, I am not a mathematical person. I never liked math actually. But I love a reason to celebrate and I REALLY love an excuse to bake. Not sure who started the pies for Pi day thing, but they deserve a hug and a big piece of their favorite pie.

One year in college, my friends and I all made a pie on Pi day. Some were savory, some were sweet. I made a sweet one of course ;) We all got together and ate pie for dinner. Super fun.
What's your favorite kind of pie?

I don't make a lot of pies. I'm more of a cake/cupcake person to be honest. I like pie, I just like baking and eating cake better. So when I came across this recipe from Sally's Baking Addiction for a pie that is part cake and part cookie.. I was intrigued.

It's baked in a pie pan, but it is a chocolate chip cookie with a cakey texture and frosting to top it off. It's very rich and sweet. It's a glass of milk required kind of dessert. It's very easy to whip together. No fancy equipment or techniques involved. 

If you aren't an over the top, sugary sweet kind of dessert lover like I am, you could just skip the frosting. But really, that would be silly. This milk chocolate frosting is so good. 

Happy pie eating!

The goods:

3/4 C unsalted butter, at room temperature 

1 C light or dark brown sugar. I've used both, both are good

1 egg + 1 egg yolk

2 tsp vanilla

2 C AP flour

2 tsp cornstarch

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1- 1 1/2 C semi sweet chocolate chips. I used about 1 C

Frosting:

2 C confectioners sugar (or more)

1/4 C unsweetened cocoa powder

1/2 C unsalted butter, at room temp

2 T heavy cream (you can use milk, but frosting will not be as thick)

1 tsp vanilla

dash of salt if frosting is too sweet

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350. Spray a 9 inch pie pan with cooking spray

In the bowl of your stand mixer, beat the butter on medium speed until it's smooth and creamy. Add the sugar and beat until creamy. Add the egg, egg yolk and vanilla and mix until creamy.

In a separate bowl, mix the flour, cornstarch, baking soda, and salt. Mix into the wet ingredients. Mix the chocolate chips in by hand. Press into the pie pan. Bake for 20-25 minutes. Cool entirely before frosting.

For the frosting, beat the butter until creamy. Sift together the confectioners sugar and cocoa and then add to butter. Add vanilla and cream and beat until smooth. Add more cream if it's too thick, or more sugar if it's too thin. Add a pinch of salt if it's too sweet. Top the pie with your frosting. 

Earth to Heidi

Whoa, where have the last few months gone?!? I know it's been quite some time since I posted anything. I won't pretend you were really concerned, but maybe I will..just a little ;)

So maybe you were wondering, what has Heidi been up to? What's she been baking? Thanks for asking. Let me tell you.

I started my new job as a nurse on an ortho/trauma unit in a large Grand Rapids hospital. To say it's been stressful would be an understatement. They say it takes 6 months to a year to become comfortable at a new job. I'm just over 2 months in, and I can't wait until this job starts to feel normal. Every day there is something new or something scary or overwhelming. I expect this will continue for some time, and I know that this is not unusual in the nursing world. But seriously, some days I'm like why am I a nurse. I want to stay at home and bake and not be stressed out over sick, sometimes dying people that I am responsible for. I had my first experience with a patient who was in fact dying. He was placed on hospice and started on a morphine drip to keep him comfortable until he passed. His wife never left his side. His kids came and went, as did their tears. It was so sad. I prayed (maybe selfishly) that he wouldn't pass during my shift. I have a new admiration for hospice nurses. Men and women who daily choose to enter this sacred space with families as they say goodbye. I don't think I could do it.

I know that it will get better. There will always be stressful shifts and difficult patients, but as I grow it will become easier. Right now, however it's tough. I get home from a 12 hour (sometimes more) shift and I feel like I just ran a marathon. I try to sleep during the day, and when I finally get out of bed before my next shift, I sometimes struggle not to cry at the thought of doing it all again in a couple hours. I look at the nurses who have been doing this for a decade or more, and I just wonder how. And why. Tell me your secrets.
Sorry to be a downer, but it feels good to say it how it is. I don't have to pretend like it's going great or that I love my job everyday. Because it's not, and I don't. But I'm sticking with it and pressing on.

So Christmas came and went during this time. Joe and I had the blessing of being able to go to my home in Sheboygan. My whole family was there this year. We didn't do a whole lot. Just spent the weekend enjoying each other's company. It was great.

This little cutie is our neice

Yep. That one is my husband...

We are master decorators

Joe sporting some of his gifts :)

Check out the KitchenAid Joe got me! I love love love it. I've already put it to good use :)

I made these pumpkin truffles:

And this pumpkin pie:

And it's not Christmas without peanut butter blossoms

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas too, and a happy new year. My year is looking unexpected and full of change and that can be scary. But I know that God is in control, and that truly gives me much comfort and peace.